


Giving Reasons

by suallenparker



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: AU, F/M, Heart Break, Love Confession, Tender Lovemaking, What if Phil hadn't died during the Avengers?, angst nugget, happy end, philinda hot stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:49:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2218119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suallenparker/pseuds/suallenparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers saved New York and the world. Phil Coulson is … alive and well. And he has some life changing news for his best friend Melinda May …</p>
            </blockquote>





	Giving Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> Do not trust Phil at the beginning of this story. he doesn't know what he wants then. This is definitely a Philinda-fic. ;)
> 
> Probably the cheesiest thing I've ever written, but gosh, it was fun! I hope you'll like it, too! As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. :)

She’s very much content with what she has. She can sleep for more than two hours at once every night. She doesn’t dream much. - Or at least she doesn’t remember much. She likes her desk job. - It’s boring. It’s safe. The paper-pushing numbs her brain and that’s a nice feeling. She likes the people in the offices surrounding hers. They don’t look at her with pity or with fear. - That stopped four years ago.

And she loves the routine. She doesn’t feel like a monster most of the time. She doesn’t fear herself that much anymore. She hasn’t hurt anyone since Bahrain. She can smile now. - That feels human to her. Coulson usually makes her smile. Phil. She still loves him. After Bahrain she thought that part of her had died, that she had killed it, too. And then she didn’t want to love him because he was still himself and she was the Cavalry, this killing machine. He told her to let go of her old self. She did. But that love stayed. The hope of a future together, however, had disappeared. She’s realistic like that.

Now, when he calls and her heart flutters just because of his voice, it feels nice. Innocent. A hopeless crush, because of course he’s in love with someone better. She’s happy for him. He deserves to be happy. That Audrey-person seems to make him happy.

She’s content with the crumbs she gets. The phone calls. The smile in his voice. His ramblings. It’s enough. Really, it is. It has to be.

Today he calls her before she even brewed her first cup of tea. She’s dressed already, but her hair is still wet. She almost missed his call because her blowdryer makes such loud noises. But here she is, running her left hand through her hair and pressing the cell against her ear with her right.

"I prefer the Hulk to Tony Stark,” he says instead of a greeting. “And I don’t mean Banner, I mean full on Hulk."

She likes that he just rambles into her ear like that. Whenever he talks to someone else he’s much more formal.

"Stark’s an ass," he says.

One of those calls … For the last couple of months Coulson had been assigned to babysit Tony Stark while he worked on some secret project. And for the last couple of months Coulson had been calling her to rant. She grins. “Done?”

"He’s also arrogant and rude and obnoxious and I want to punch his stupid symmetrical face. Stupid goatee.” He sighs heavily. “Now I’m done. Hi, May."

"Coulson."

"Do you have the afternoon off?" Now there’s a smile in his voice.

"I do. Like every Friday."

"And will you train later?"

"Like every Friday." Her new life is predictable to the minute, he should know. He mocks her about it frequently enough.

"Have lunch with me?" he asks.

Her heart skips a beat and she straightens up. “You’re in town?”

"That’s classified."

She doesn’t need much imagination to picture his smug grin right now.

"But fortunately your clearance level is high enough." He sounds very pleased with himself.

She rolls her eyes. “Stark’s not the only one who’s obnoxious.”

He chuckles. “Let me invite you to lunch, Melinda. I’ve got news and I want to tell you first.”

Yes. Of course yes. They hadn’t seen each other face to face for almost half a year now. Work always get in the way. And the cellist lives in Portland.

"You’re smiling,” he says. “I can hear you smile."

Damn him, she really does. “The argentinian place at quarter past two,” she says. “Bring your savings, I’m gonna eat steak.” Time to make him pay.

He doesn’t hesitate, “See you then.”

She hangs up, smiling. She’s more than content with that. She’s excited.

o0o

He already waits for her at a corner table, when she arrives. He jumps up as soon as he sees her. Maybe if they’d be different people, they’d hug. But they just nod at each other. She wants to touch him. Just his arm.

He wears a suit, as always. A dark grey one, with a blue shirt and a dark, striped tie. He looks good. And he’s sporting the biggest grin. “May.”

"Coulson." She smiles, too and raises a brow. "Tell me before your head explodes."

"I bought a ring,” he says and pulls back a chair for her. “I bought a ring and I want to ask Audrey to marry me."

She sits down. She’s glad she can. And she’s glad he’s too busy to get back to his seat to watch her face. Gives her enough time to pull herself together.

"That’s great," she says. She means it. She wants him happy. But her throat closes and her stomach clenches and she just wants him for herself. She hadn’t thought she still held hope, but here she is and that hope is dying.

He sighs and tilts his head. “I feel like I could vomit.”

He’s so adorable. So very nervous. She smiles at him. “I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

"I hope so."

"She loves you." How could she not?

He grins at that. “You haven’t even met her.”

True. But still. “She’d be stupid not to love you.”

"Thanks, May." Smiling, he touches her arm. Just briefly. And she loves him. She loves him so much.

“They’re having steak with mushrooms as a special, today,” he says. “I already ordered a bottle of water.”

She can’t do this. She just can’t. It’s so hard to keep smiling. “I’ll just have a drink.”

His eyes widen. “But steak!”

"I have another date later. I can’t stay that long."

“You sure?” He tilts his head again and grins sheepishly. “I brought my savings.”

Oh, he’s cute. And this is good for him. Audrey’s good for him. “I’m sure,” she says. “It’s work. Something popped up.” The first lie she had told him since he forbid her to tell him she feels fine, when she doesn’t.

He frowns. For a moment she fears he sees right through her.

"Okay,” he says before the smile is back on his face and he reaches inside his suit. “Then you have to look at the ring now. I need your opinion."

"I haven’t even met her."

"But you’ve got good taste." He pulls a blue box out of his inner suit pocket. "I’m gonna take her to her favorite restaurant and I was considering to put the ring into the champagne but decided against it."

"Good call." She gives him a real smile for that. He’s such a dork.

He holds her gaze as he opens the box. She wishes he wouldn’t do that. She wishes she could be less selfish. But she wants him to do that with a ring that’s meant for her. Stupid. So very stupid. She can give five reasons from the top of her head why this wouldn’t be good. And he deserves so much to be happy.

She looks at the ring in his open palm. “It’s beautiful.”

"You think?" So insecure. She’d like to kiss him for that.

"It’s stunning.” It really is. A small platin band, suited for the elegant fingers of a musician, with an embedded round cut diamond, that was surrounded by three smaller diamonds on each side. “I’m sure she’ll love it." She looks at him again. "When will you ask her?"

"Next month.” He pulls a sharp breath. “I have a week off and we planned a trip to San Francisco. Her favorite restaurant is there and -” He swallows. “You think I’m doing the right thing?"

"You love her, don’t you?"

"I do."

"And she makes you happy."

"Yes."

That’s the most important thing. “Sounds like the right thing to me.” He’ll be happy. And she’ll be content with that. Her stomach is clenching. Her heart hurts and as soon as she’s back home tonight, she’ll probably get very, very drunk, but tomorrow she’ll be content.

  
  


o0o

  
  


She got over the heartbreak, of course she did. He’ll marry. If he stuck to his plan, he must’ve asked her last month. He called her before he drove off to meet Audrey and her parents. He sounded so excited. Close to a panic, too, but so very excited and happy.

This is a good thing. This is good for him. And she’ll be content. It’s not like she lost him. They’re friends. They always were just friends. Maybe before Bahrain she hoped that – No. He’s happy now. That’s why he didn’t call since he went on vacation. He’s busy planning his wedding with his beautiful bride.

He’s probably in Portland, he’s -

He’s walking around a corner of a floor of SHIELD headquarters. It’s him. She almost drops the coffee she just got from the automat. He has his back to her, but she recognizes him anyway. He’s wearing a black suit, white shirt.

"Coulson!" she calls out, straightening up. Her silly heart skips another beat. She missed him so much! She’s already walking up to him, she has no idea how that happend.

He turns around. She bought him the blue tie he’s wearing. His hands fiddle with some file he’s holding. “May.”

"How long have you been back?" She stops in front of him. She wants to touch him so badly. It’s so good to see him.

He pulls his shoulders up. He looks stressed. “Last week.”

"Oh." She swallows. Last week …

He tilts his head. “I wanted to call you, but -“

"It’s okay. You were busy, I understand." Wedding planning plus his usual demanding work-load. No wonder he looks stressed. Tired. Dark rings circle his eyes.

"No, you don’t. I …" He presses his lips together and shakes his head. "Never mind."

Bullshit. She wants to touch him, but agents walk past them left and right and this isn’t the time. “Meet me tonight for drinks?” she asks. She needs him to say yes. She needs him to let her be his friend.

"Better not."

"Phil."

“I’m sorry.” He looks at his wristwatch. “Fury’s waiting for me. I better leave.”

He walks away from her and there’s nothing she can do but watch. For now.

  
  


o0o

  
  


He hasn’t moved yet. Not that he uses his apartment a lot, but it’s still his. Just three blocks away from her home. It feels good to have parts of him so close. Even if it’s just his stuff. But he’ll probably move everything to Portland, now that he’ll marry.

The doorman of the apartment complex recognizes her and lets her in. Otherwise she would’ve used her badge to get past him. She has no shame in that sense. It’s quarter to eight. She’s sure he’s home by now. If not, she’ll wait.

She rings his doorbell for almost a minute before he finally opens.

He’s still wearing the same suit from earlier today. The jacket and the tie are gone. The first two buttons of his shirt are open, the sleeves are rolled up. “May.” His voice is rough. He stares at her.

She switched her business suit and white blouse from earlier for black jeans and a loose fitted black shirt. She lifts the bottle of whiskey she brought with her. “Gonna invite me in?” she asks.

He opens the door further and shakes his head. “I’m a mess right now and I-“

"I don’t mind the mess."

"I know." He tilts his head and smiles. His shoulders are down. He looks defenseless. She wants to touch him. Fortunately, she has the bottle to hold on to.

She grins. “So will you get us glasses or are we drinking from the bottle?”

He steps out of the doorway and their arms brush against each other as she steps into his apartment. She walks straight into his kitchen because this is good whiskey and she knows where he keeps the glasses. He follows her and leans against the doorway to his kitchen. He’s keeping his distance. She hopes he’ll let her in. She gets the glasses from the cupboard next to the fridge. His apartment is as clean and spot free as ever.

He waits until she settled down at his kitchen table, before he joins her. They shared a few dinners here before. He cooked, she did the dishes afterwards. She has a favorite seat at his table she always sits at. Usually he sits to her left, but today he sits down across from her. She moves his glass from his place to where he sits now.

For a few moments they just sit there in silence, while she nips at her drink and he rolls the glass between his hands, with his elbows on the table. He stares at the brown liquid, she watches his face.

"Can I tell you something and you’ll just don’t say anything?" he says eventually, glancing at her.

She waits.

He chuckles slightly. “Good point.” He sighs. Thoughts are running through his mind, she can see. But he stays quiet, his lips pressed together.

"We don’t have to talk,” she tries and shrugs. “We can just-"

"Audrey and I broke up."

Her eyes widen. What?

He hangs his head. “I messed up. I really hurt her. I messed up so bad.”

She wants to hug him. She wants to wrap herself around him and assure him that everything’s gonna be alright. That whatever happened, she still loves him. Probably not what he wants to hear right now. She swallows and waits.

"We sat in that restaurant and I had the ring and I just couldn’t.” He shrugs. “So I broke it off.” He snorts and lifts his head. “And the kicker is, I love her. She’s smart and funny and kind and warm and utterly perfect, but I just couldn’t. That’s crazy, isn’t it? I’m crazy.” He shakes his head. “And she was so very hurt. She cried. And I … oh gosh, I hurt her so bad. I’m such an idiot. I should’ve known, I should’ve -" He presses his lips together. "I think I did. Part of me never, but I thought, I ….” He sighs and looks away again. “There’s someone else,” he mumbles so quietly, she barely hears him.

Rage balls up in her stomach and she straightens up. “Audrey -?”

"No,” he says quickly. “For me. There always was. Nothing ever happened. Nothing will, I know. I thought I was over it. I’m not. And you- she -” He swallows. “She doesn’t."

What? Her rage vanishes as quickly as it came. He doesn’t make any sense. He was so happy with Audrey. He never spoke about anybody else before. Never. The first woman he ever mentioned to her in a romantic context had been Audrey. That’s how she had known Audrey was special.

"I have another ring. I brought back Audrey’s but I have another ring. My grandmother’s wedding ring. You’d like it. It has history, tradition and I thought-” His lips thin. He shakes his head. “I should’ve known when I bought another ring. And you-” He takes a deep breath and pushes his glass away before he looks at her. “I’m talking too much, maybe you should leave. I don’t want to mess up more. I don’t want to mess up us."

She reaches over the table and places her hand on his lower arm, rubbing his skin gently with her thumb. “Now you’re talking silly.”

"Melinda …"

"You can’t mess this up, there’s no way, I’d -"

"I love you. How about that?"

What? “Phil.” She needs him to say it again. Her mouth is dry. What did he just say? Her heart’s racing.

He covers her hand with his. “I love you,” he says and swallows. “I just love you. I tried to move on. I thought I had and Audrey … She’s not you and I don’t want to marry anybody else.”

"You mean that." He was talking about her?

He lets go of her hand and leans back in his chair. “Ready to run yet?” He tries to pull away his arm, but she holds on tight.

"You love me?" she asks when he finally looks into her eyes.

"Yes."

She takes a breath. “You really broke off with Audrey because of me?”

“Yes.”

She nibbles on her bottom lip. “Even now that I’m this?”

He shrugs. “I know it’s not what you want,” he says. Keeping her hold on his arm, she stands up and walks around the table. He has another ring. One he had before. One he thinks she’d like.

“I’m not asking for anything and I promise it won’t be a problem,” he adds. His eyes widen when she cradles his face with her left while she runs her other hand up his arm to his shoulder.

He swallows. “You’ll hardly notice, I can just …”

She leans down and presses her lips against his. He reacts immediately. His arms wrap around her waist and he pulls her sideways onto his lap as they kiss. He groans into her mouth. She loops her arms around his neck and kisses him deeper. She loves his taste and how he clings to her. How he sucks at her tongue, how he nibbles at her lips. His hands roam over her back, her spine, her shoulders, always keeping her pressed against him. It’s wonderful. He loves her. He holds her like he doesn’t want to let go.

He breaks away from her mouth and she kisses his cheek. His chin. His jawline. His neck. She takes full advantage of the two extra buttons that are open. She loves how his skin tastes. How he smells. She wants to rub herself against him.

“Is this pity?” he rasps. He’s panting. How could he ask that?

She lifts her head and cradles his face with both hands this time. She loves to run her fingers through his hair like this. “I love you,” she says.

He smiles. “Say that again, please.”

Yes. She’s beaming. “I love you.”

They continue to kiss and it’s marvelous. God, she had wanted this for so very long. He loves her. She can’t quite fathom it yet. He wants to marry nobody else, that’s what he said. And he has another ring. Oh God. How he kisses her, how he touches her … She feels the same urgency. She’s already wet for him. She wants him. She feels him harden against her ass and rubs herself against him. This is so good!

He groans. “Please.” He leans his forehead against her shoulder. “We don’t have to do this. We could just, we could -”

She kisses his head, his neck. “Do you want to stop?”

“We could wait, if you want.” He shakes his head as he says that.

Oh, this man! She strokes her thumb over his nape and kisses her way to his ear. “I don’t want to wait anymore.” She nibbles at his earlobe.

He hisses and lifts his head. They look at each other again. “Are you sure?” he asks.

Very much so. She presses herself into his lap and kisses him quickly. “Are _you_ sure?”

“I want you in my bed,” he growls and kisses her throat. “I want you now. I wanted you for so long.”

Oh yes!

Usually she hates being carried. Makes her feel weak. But she’s glad she can just hold on to him as he moves them both to his bedroom, one of his arms wrapped around her waist, the other under her knees. He sets her down on the bed gently. Holding onto each other they crawl onto it. They take forever to undress. It’s painfully frustrating but every new exposed inch of skin needs to be kissed. He takes his time with her breasts, nibbling, sucking, massaging her flesh. His hands are gentle. She can’t get enough of touching him. She can’t get enough of his taste. He has a beautiful cock. She swallows his moan when she takes him in her hand and strokes him gently. He explores her pussy with his fingers, spreads her open, before he sinks a finger into her wet heat. His thumb brushes over her clit. She’s so very close to coming, but she wants to feel him inside her.

“Do you have …?” She’s panting. Her urge to press her mouth against his skin makes talking terribly hard.

Fortunately, he understands her anyway. “Condoms …” he gasps as she kisses his throat. “Nightstand …”

Together they manage to retrieve a condom and wrap it over his hard erection. He rolls on his back and she straddles him. She leans forward to kiss him. His hands roam over her back and hold her close as she sinks down on his erection. Together, they sit up and he pulls up his knees behind her. She rides him slowly, clinging to him, kissing him. It’s perfect. It’s bliss. And she comes. He gasps her name as he spills himself inside her.

He takes care of the condom and wraps them both into the covers. Side by side they lie in his bed, their bodies nestled up against each other. He sighs heavily and she lifts her chin from his shoulder to look at him. He’s frowning, biting his lip.

Her stomach clenches and she pulls away until she can lift her head up on her elbow.

“Was it too early?” she asks. “Us, I mean …” His right hand draws lazy circles on her hip.

“No, I’m just …” He shakes his head. His frown deepens. “I’m so happy right now.”

“Phil?”

“No, I am.” He sighs. “You’re here and you love me and I’m just so, so grateful and happy and I love you. And I feel guilty because I couldn’t feel like that about Audrey and most of all because I hurt her.” He looks at her, the corners of his mouth twitch up. “You’re smiling,” he says.

She really is and she can’t stop. “I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re my favorite person.” He brings his hand up to her nape and pulls her down for a kiss. Her hair falls into his face. He rolls them around until it’s her on her back and him leaning over her sideways. He kisses her forehead and strokes her hair. “I love you,” he says.

“Gosh, Phil.” She still can’t stop smiling. “I was so very jealous of her.”

“Really?” He grins at that.

She nods.

“Why did you never say something?” he asks. “Even when I told you I wanted to propose you took it with such ease, I never thought you could feel like that for me.”

“There was no date.”

His eyes widen and she blushes.

“I lied,” she says. “I didn’t stay for steak because you wanted to marry her and my insides cramped up and I had to leave, I was so heartbroken. So I lied.”

“Because you love me.” He smiles, she runs her finger over his lip.

“Yes.”

He catches her hand in his and kisses her finger. “I missed you so much the last month. I wanted to call you so very often.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He kisses her finger again. “Because I would’ve told you everything.”

“Which you did.”

“I know myself well. I thought I’d lose you if you’d know.”

“Which you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t.” He leans down and kisses her again. “Can you stay over? Sleep in my bed?”

“Yes.” She runs her hands up his shoulders. “Phil?”

“Hm?” He kisses her eyebrows. Her temples.

“That other ring …” she tries, “will you show it to me sometime?”

“It’s yours.” He kisses her hairline. “Whenever you’re ready. I can wait. But when you’re ready – if you ever want to, it’s yours.”

She takes a breath. “Yes.”

He pulls back and looks at her. “Melinda …?”

She loves him so. “Whenever you’re ready,” she says. “If you ever want to, I’m gonna say yes.”

“But you haven’t seen the ring yet.”

She’ll love the ring. But it doesn’t matter. “I just want you.”

“You mean that?”

“Yes.” She smiles. “Yes.”

He’s beaming down at her. When he kisses her again, she’s more than content. She’s blissful.


End file.
